Culture11's guide to getting a job in the media.

Get Lattes for David Remnick!

Culture11's guide to getting a job in the media.

By Conor Friedersdorf,  December 3, 2008

(Care to submit your own want ads? E-mail conor@culture11.com -- we’ll post the good ones.)

George Will seeks detail-oriented up-and-comer to prepare bow tie, plumb recently published books for engrossing anecdotes, and scour baseball almanacs for statistics that lend themselves to political analogies.

Peggy Noonan seeks a well-mannered young lady or gent to answer reader correspondence. Knowledge of calligraphy a plus. Qualifications include a good heart, excellent taste in stationary, and ability to pen golden replies that exude eloquence, goodwill, and homespun wisdom.

Andrew Sullivan seeks beagle-loving philosophy student willing to travel outside the continental United States on research projects. No passport necessary. Preferred candidate will have done course work in rhetoric, obstetrics, or hospital administration. Fluency in Oakeshott and Orwell a plus. Healthy skepticism, deeply felt commitment to public discourse required.

Glenn Reynolds seeks rebuttal to the argument that given his sparse blogging style these days he may as well just do it via Twitter feed. After all, “Heh” is only three characters.

David Broder seeks cautious, compromise oriented rock to sit on his desk in scrupulously bipartisan fashion.

Ross Douthat seeks a favorable resolution to the abortion debate, geopolitical strife, and the GOP's problems with working class voters so that he can happily write about nothing but movies and baseball. (And novels!)

Christopher Hitchens seeks young contrarian intern. Duties include fetching ice (15 minutes twice per day), intimidating fact-checkers (30 minutes per day), and filing pieces published under his byline the previous day (7 hours).

David Brooks seeks bright Ivy League humanities major keen on the life of the mind, long conversations about pop sociology, and a willingness to be mentored into a future star in book publishing or opinion journalism. Benefits: you’re the envy of all other NY Times op-ed interns. Drawbacks: must ghost write one questionably reasoned (though often enjoyable) column per quarter as sop to movement conservatism.

Bill Kristol seeks graduate student in marketing or public relations to transcribe Republican National Committee strategy memos into New York Times content management system.

Lou Dobbs seeks experienced mason for construction project in southwest. Proof of citizenship required!

The New Yorker is more likely to read your hastily written letter complaining about the Barack and Michelle Obama cover than your painstakingly crafted Talk of the Town submission. Don't call them, they'll call you.

Bill O’Reilly seeks debate only when he controls the subject, guest, questions, and timing of commercial breaks (book-related appearances excepted).

USA TODAY seeks advertisers targeting that hard to reach consumer who frequents hotels in rare towns where there is nothing better to read.

Maureen Dowd seeks ambitious female research assistant who takes alliteration more seriously than advocacy. Duties include rifling through daily mail for cocktail party invites, regular trips to dry cleaners, and fixing the pink stereo at her Georgetown townhouse.

The New Republic seeks a diverse group of interns whose parents have sufficient wealth to subsidize their living expenses while they earn just $280 a week.

Reihan Salam seeks chauffeur fluent in American sign language (must be able to sign at least 120 words per minute). Miscellaneous duties include rebuilding lost archives at The American Scene, arranging bout with Jacob Weisberg’s mom for “best connector” title, and producing satirical short concerning the hijinx that result when Rush Limbaugh’s broadcasting chair is replaced by a standing workstation.

The Los Angeles Times seeks recent j-school grads willing to work for a fourth of what bought out former staffers made. Opportunities to do excellent work the world over; prohibitions against freelancing and filing anything of merely local interest to Los Angelenos.

Jack Shafer seeks a reconditioned Smith Carona manual typewriter, a fifth of single malt whiskey, and cologne powerful enough to overwhelm the tempting scent of Krispy Kreme donuts wafting up into his Dupont Circle office. Journalism school grads need not apply.

Mickey Kaus seeks permalinks.

Kathryn Lopez seeks tall, slightly graying, entrepreneurial individual with strong PowerPoint skills for company during long walks down Lexington Ave., and regular discussion of rebuilding Republican Party. Glass-half-full attitude toward Bush Administration valued. Star Trek fans need not apply.

The Washington Monthly seeks the talented future editor of every left-of-center publication in America.

Tim Noah seeks any individual who consistently believes that anyone who is not Tim Noah is usually wrong.

David Remnick seeks attentive, enterprising assistant with wide knowledge base. Should be familiar with at least 80% of all English publications dating back at least four centuries, play capable tennis, and be able to give detailed readings to approximately half a million words of articles, fiction, and books each week while maintaining an air of cheerful bemusement and total calm.

Ann Coulter seeks attention.

Tom Friedman seeks creative writing student to craft strained metaphors – explanatory power less important than ability to yield book contracts and speaking engagements. Due to world events, candidate should expect to work particularly long hours this next six months!